A Father's Cry

'Dad, would you please listen to me?'

As fathers, we would do well to admit up front that none of us has "arrived."

Columnist Dave Clark

We all have room to improve, and we should be diligent about figuring out where we need to grow and then actively seeking to be more effective in those areas. One of the greatest areas of concern that teens cite as we travel and talk at high schools and youth conferences is that "my dad doesn't listen to me."

It is a difficult thing with men in that we tend to think it is the mom or wife that should be listening to things that "we just don't think are all that important."

But as men, doesn't it just make us crazy when we are talking to people with a subject we think is really important and they gaze off into the sunset, or they start doing something else? Or, they start turning the TV stations with an occasional head nod?

Men, I promise you that your son or daughter is thinking you don't care about what they have to say and how significant they are. You don't think they are important in their lives when you demonstrate that behavior. Listening can be defined as "I love you enough to listen to what you think is important" and "I am significant."

I remember the long days and nights when I would wake up in the middle of the night wondering if my son was ever going to come home; if he would get beat up and robbed while doing drugs with a spaced-out addict. I worried that "my little boy" was lost to a world of violence, crime and drugs. Someday, he would be in an emergency room and I would get that dreaded call.

Well, the emergency room part never happened by the sheer grace of God and a praying family.

I look back and realize that he sought things in life that "passed me by" — not important enough in my corporate world. I can say I would sometimes sit and listen, but what kept me from doing it regularly?

Well, Dad, it is never too late to begin listening no matter your kid's age.

My dad is more than 87 years old and it does matter when we talk that he is listening. I value the conversation and interaction and soon it will disappear.

I know the time will come when I am sitting at a red light waiting for it to change and my mind will drift to the "what if" of lost moments of intimacy that come with eye-to-eye contact and the listening of words coming from our mouths. I don't like that thought.

So, here are some things I have heard from kids across the area. Dad, be warned: you may hear your children talking to you.

• "I wish my dad would try to understand what I'm going through, and be there when I need someone to talk to just as a friend and not as a parent."

• "I need him to completely hear me out and not assume things, to listen before he speaks."

• "(I wish he) would take some time and not talk but let me tell him one secret that I have hidden for a long time."

• "Try to see where I'm coming from before blowing up in my face and later wanting my forgiveness."

• "Listen when I need you to. You don't have to have the right answers all the time; just be there for me."

• "Don't talk; don't argue; just listen."

So, how do I do this?

Practice really focusing on what your child is saying. When you're sure they're done talking, restate what they said in your own words to make sure you understand.

Actively give your children nonverbal feedback as you're listening: a nod, smile, look of surprise, raised eyebrows, etc.

With young children, get down on their level so they know you're focused on them and you're ready to hear them.

Tell your kids that you want to be the best dad you can be. Confess that you need their help, and ask for their honest feedback.

Few fathers really work to develop listening skills, but this is a key area where we all need to excel.

What about you? How would each of your children respond if you asked them to fill in the blank: "I wish you would __________ ?"

Maybe it's time for a little qualitative research on your own; ask them to fill in the blank.

Or maybe they're too young; ask for feedback from their mom, their teachers or other people who interact with them regularly.

In all things, love, love and listen, listen.

E-mail comments about this story
to the publisher of The Amarillo Independent.

Posted: January 3, 2008