A Father's Cry

Children of divorce can act out in several ways

If you're a recently divorced dad, be prepared to see a side of your kids you've never seen before.

Columnist Dave Clark

Kids who have been through a divorce often act in certain ways.

As a single dad, you need to know what to watch for — and how to respond.

Here are some common things to look for, from Ken Parker and Van Jones in their book, "Every Other Weekend."

The rules are different

First, kids sometimes take advantage of two different sets of house rules: "Mom lets me do this at her house."

They may be telling the truth, or pulling a scam. The best thing you can do is to help them understand that you're going to stand behind your rules — and the values they represent.

Express confidence that they can adjust when they're staying with you.

Open rebellion

Second, your child may purposefully break your rules. Correct her in love, but also use this as an opportunity. She could be expressing anger. Or maybe she was testing your love and limits. In either case, be firm but gentle.

Don't respond with anger; instead talk with her about the way she's adjusting, what she's going through, and how you can help. Just listening may be all she really needs.

On the attack

The third typical response is for a child to complain about something or someone at the other household — the rules there or his mother or stepfather. You need to be very discerning here.

And, you're probably hearing only one side of the story.

You could try calling his mother — not to make accusations but simply to communicate what you've heard and gather facts.

Often, getting the rest of the story will give you a better appreciation for his mother's point of view, and you'll be able to back up her actions.

On the other hand, what if your child has a legitimate concern?

That phone call to mom could betray his trust and could get him into trouble at that home.

Communication vital

These situations illustrate the importance of communicating with your child.

Does your child need you to act on his behalf and look into the situation? Or does he simply need to talk?

For all dads, regular healthy communication will build a trust level that's going to come in handy when stresses and crises come along.

For divorced dads, you've got to work at it twice as hard in half the time.

In all things, love, love and listen, listen.

Dave Clark: Master Trainer for the National Center for Fathering. He uses this material with the permission of the National Center for Fathering.

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Posted: March 6, 2008