A Father's Cry

Sex: It's not just for teens anymore

I was at Roasters Coffee the other day and I overhead a group of ladies talking pretty loudly about sex.

Columnist Dave Clark

Doing a little eavesdropping — it wasn't hard as they were pretty loud — I could overhear them talking about the announcement of one of their daughters: Her second-grade classmate was “having S-E-X."

The lady said that her daughter, when pressed by her surprised parents, asserted: “Yes, she told us on the playground. When she goes home from school, she goes next door to the neighbor's house. He's in third grade. They take off their clothes, get under the covers, and kiss and stuff."

Even though I teach young men at the High Plains Youth Detention Center about abstinence, nothing surprises me about what I hear about sex nowadays from the “preppies," to the “jocks," to the “punks," to the “cowboys." But that pushed me to the edge.

As we travel and give conferences, we hear about a little of everything from “after-school high school orgies," parents gone for the weekend — let your imagination run with that one — and sex on school parking lots, sex in bathrooms and you name it. In the past, my oldest son and I were asked to talk to high schools; now, we are being asked to talk to middle schools because the “deformed behavior of sex and attitudes" has slipped to the younger kids.

I have to admit, 7-year-olds pushed me in my thinking.

Pushing back the 'sex talk'

I hear parents talk about wanting to “push back that sex-talk time."

We, as fathers, are faced with the question: “What can I do as a father to help my children develop healthy attitudes and practices about sex and sexuality?"

Here are some suggestions for all of us dads to consider as we take on this exciting and necessary challenge.

First, recognize that children are having sex at earlier ages and that your kids are not immune to sexual temptation.

Imagine 10 chairs lined up side by side in your living room. In one chair sits your teenager while his or her peers sit in the other nine. Assuming they will answer honestly, you ask everyone who has ever had sexual intercourse to please stand up.

How many do you think will stand? If they're all ninth-graders, four will stand. If they're all seniors, seven of 10 girls and eight out of 10 guys will get up out of their seats. If those 10 are college students, nine will stand.

According to a recent Rolling Stone report, three of four college students have experimented with oral sex, 13 percent participate in anal sex and more and more heterosexuals are getting involved in part-time homosexuality. Rolling Stone also reports a rise in group sex and kinky sex.

At one end of the youth spectrum, second-graders discuss and sometimes try things that many of us didn't know about until later. At the other end, there are 19-year-olds who have bought into the lie of permissiveness that has led to a “do anything, anywhere, with anybody" sexual ethic that they carry into adulthood.

Who's to blame?

Second, learn why relatively innocent children become sexually promiscuous young adults.

It's easy to blame peer pressure during this stage in your child's life when choices about sex and other moral dilemmas are often more about acceptance by their peers than what they believe is right and wrong. We could also blame Hollywood, the media or sex education in the schools.

But these intruders usually find their way into our kids' hearts when we dads open the door by being ignorant and silent on sexual matters. If they don't receive parental love — especially from you, dad — many kids will feel bad about themselves. In order to get intimacy and acceptance, they'll give away the most precious part of themselves. But what they end up getting in return is really much different from — and far more costly than — what they ever dreamed.

How does your child fit into this situation?

Third, talk to your children about sex.

If you don't answer their curiosity and questions, someone else — the media or their peer group — will.

Be vulnerable with them about your sex education and let them learn from your mistakes as well as your convictions. Encourage them to be open with you, and invite their questions.

Then take the time to answer in age-appropriate ways. Kids consistently say they want to learn about sex from their parents, but according to one survey, only 15 percent of mothers and 8 percent of fathers ever talked to their children about sexual intercourse.

Worth the Wait

Finally, teach your children the many good reasons for waiting.

Sexually active teens risk great physical harm. Millions contract sexually transmitted diseases.

Four out of 10 sexually active teenage girls get pregnant and many of those have abortions. Sexually active teens also suffer emotional harm and wind up feeling used, empty and cheap. Premarital sex strains present dating relationships and can destroy future marital relationships. A couple can be haunted by comparisons and “what if" games.

The good news in this sad litany is that your children are capable of making healthy sexual choices. They can discover the marvelous joy of experiencing sex within the bounds of marriage.

However, don't forget the key ingredient too often missing in this battle plan: parental involvement. You are the greatest resource your kids have if they are going to grow up to be “love-sane" adults in a “sex-crazed" world.

Dads, pay attention and “get connected with your kids!"

" Master Trainer for the National Center for Fathering. He uses this material with the permission of the National Center for Fathering.

E-mail comments about this story
to the publisher of The Amarillo Independent.

Posted: April 3, 2008